Monday

Pimp My Crib (484 words)



"What I'm thinking is, we knock the wall out in the store room downstairs. Rip everything out, then seal it all back up with a glass front. THEN we'll rip the bathroom out, knock the floor through down into the store room and make you a sunken bath slash aquarium. BOOM! "

"And cut! That’s brilliant Nick, we'll insert the punters excited reactions in later."

Nick sighed wearily, all of this was so far away from where he started out. All he wanted to do was help people, but viewing figures and trends got in the way, as they always do.

He doesn't blame them, not really, he knows you have to adapt to survive that’s why he does the lottery shows. Keep his face out there, stay in the public eye.

It all started with that bloody staircase, well lack of staircase as was the case. They wanted a fun house, something a bit different so they had a glass elevator fitted outside, then a fireman's pole and a helter skelter inside.

The show hit a ten year viewing figure high and after that it all went downhill as far as he was concerned. The good causes  fell by the way side and everything got bigger and bolder and brasher … and tackier.

Revolving sofas that could be span from facing the tv to looking out of the floor to ceiling glass wall.
The kitchen with the sushi restaurant style conveyor belt that took the dirty plates off the table straight to the dishwasher.
The house where they put a slide from the loft that looped in and out of the house and then ran to the bottom of the garden.
The place where they turned the cellar into a bat-cave styled garage, complete with a secret hidden behind a bookcase entrance.
Walk in refrigerators that lead onto ski slopes.
Gym equipment that powered the house, if you wanted to watch the tv you had to do so while running on the spot in a human hamster wheel.
Animatronic lions that scared would be burglars off. 

He missed the days of honest hard graft for people who actually deserved it.
The money was nice, better than it ever had been, but it didn't plug the hole in his soul.
The hole the false excitement of putting yet another disco ball into a downstairs toilet ate away.

So he started doing jobs for people on the sly, he would case a house out for weeks waiting for the perfect moment when he could strike. The first time he struck lucky the family went away for a long weekend and came back to a redecorated front room. 

He always works alone and pays for it all out of his own pocket.

Some people would say he is he is insane, he would tell you he is feeling better than he has done in years.

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