Wednesday

Mr. Pants On Fire (484 words)

There are two things you should know about me.

1. My name is Marrakesh  yeah my parents were hippies, still are hippies. They met while doing charity work in Africa, hooked up one night and I came along. The rest is history as they say.

2. I am a tremendous liar.

The first part isn't all that important, its just nice to get the introductions out of the way. Its the second part you need to watch out for.

Its like a disease, you ask me a question and if I can think of a funnier or more interesting answer that's what I'll give you. Its gotten me into all sorts of trouble in the past, more than once social services got involved after a teacher asked me what I had done the weekend.

Watched dad try mums clothes on.

Held the microphone to get the perfect sound on mummy and daddies special film.

Helped uncle Peter bury aunty Sue in the woods.

You know normal harmless kid stuff.

If anything its worse now I'm older and wiser, working in office is piss boring, I have nothing in common with any of the people I work with, they all think I'm weird.

Yet they feel duty bound to make small talk or "try and bring me out of my shell" 

Speaking of shells, this one time when I was a kid I spent three days living in the sewers looking for the ninja turtles, made the news and everything. 

So yeah anyways, I'll be at the vending machine and someone will say "Oh hey Ian, did you see Ice Miners last night?"

And  I'll reply with something like ...

"No I don't own a tv, I believe it erodes your soul" 

"No I was sharpening my knives" 

"I can't watch that show, my uncle Dave was an Ice miner and he was crushed to death by a frozen Yak" 

What's worse is I love that show, I just can't be held responsible for what comes out of my mouth.

After another visit from the social mother was at the end of her tether, literally Dad kept her chained in the kitchen, and insisted on getting me some "help" 

Do you have any idea how much fun it is lying to those do goody goody counsellors? 

It was the best six months of my life, I had Alien hand syndrome, split personalities, I was a sociopath, delusional, borderline retarded, amazingly gifted, autistic, You name it they tried to pin it on me, mainly to try and help me but there was a degree of trying to get me the hell out of their lives as well. 

Anyway I can't stop and chat, they want me to make a comment on the latest batch of proposed health cuts.

I'm going to tell them that when I'm in power everyone will get free monkeys.

I love this job.

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