The first blow sets off a firework display inside my head.
The second rattles my teeth.
The third is a charm.
The darkness comes.
I wasn't always like this, I used to be like you.
I had a wife.
I was someone.
The job went first.
Apparently giving a consultation with black eyes and broken nose doesn't reflect the company image.
I said I'd been mugged.
They said nobody gets mugged that often.
The wife was the last to go.
She didn't understand.
Called me a pain junkie.
Said I needed help.
She still left.
It all started innocently.
I was under a lot of stress, wasn't sleeping , making silly mistakes at work, which made me more stressed, which made me sleep less.
A continual loop of misery.
On the way home from another disastrous day at work I took a long blink and rear ended a lorry. I woke up in hospital six hours later with a smile on my face.
I remember nothing from fighting to keep my eyes open until waking up surrounded by my then loving family .
Discharged from hospital with a sackful of pain relief. I was sleeping but getting angrier. Meds gone I sank lower, ended up in the shadier parts of town, chasing the dragon, chasing the darkness.
I had ran up a considerable debt when my dealer decided the time had come for me to pay.
I had a fraction of what I owed when the they caught up with me, decided to teach me a lesson, make an example of me.
The beating was brutal, every time the darkness tried to embrace me they would stop, let me regain my senses.
When they finally tipped me over the edge, the shadows swallowed me whole.
It was bliss.
I don't know how long I was unconscious for.
But let me tell you this, when I awoke I felt alive, I felt rested.
I felt calm.
That's the first time I told people I'd been mugged, it wasn't the last.
I never paid that debt, it took quite a few beatings for them to realise this was my new addiction.I repulsed them, quite a feat given their line of work.
After they realised I wanted the beatings, after I lost my wife, my job, my house, my life. I started hanging out in bars. Picking any fight I could, insulting peoples wives, daughters, mothers, anything to provoke them.
Its surprisingly hard to get someone to beat a stranger senseless. Most take a swing at you, hoping to scare you off. I never backed down, never swung back, I just shouted more.
Is that all you've got?
Is that the best you can do?
Eventually I'd beg.
Give me what I wanted, what I deserved.
Most stop when I reach the begging stage.
So that's how we got here reader.
I know that heaven isn't waiting for me.
All there will be is the darkness.
I can't wait.