I wake up and the room smells like sugar puffs, before the hangover even has a chance to kick me in the balIs I know I don't want to open my eyes.
She rolls over and farts in her sleep, a real wet sounding cheek slapper, it stinks like you would imagine a dead seagull would.
The stench makes me heave, for a second I think I'm going to blow chunks. I admit defeat and sit up in bed, pry my eyes open, even through the haze I can tell this is going to take some explaining.
The room is utter carnage, there is a smiley face daubed on the wall in what I hope is chocolate pudding but already know it isn't, I hate chocolate.
The curtains have been pulled down, I have no idea where they are, I have a brief flashback of running up and down the corridors, giggling, wearing them like capes.
I throw the covers back and trudge to the en-suite to take a leak, I find the curtains stuffed down the toilet. I can't deal with this yet so I piss in the sink. glancing at what's left of the mirror its got a suspiciously fist sized whole in the middle of it, cracks dancing to the edges like a spiders web.
Even in a disjointed reflection I look rough. I have what I hope are bags under my eyes but are more likely bruises, it looks like icing is streaked through my hair, I know its not icing but there is so much in there we are talking like two or three blokes worth.
Or a sustained effort by one very determined chap.
I reach around and feel between my ass cheeks, all is intact down there so that’s one win chalked up for me.
I need a shower, I feel grotty, I reach behind the curtain and turn it on as hot as it'll go. Hoping I can steam the grime off me.
Sitting on the edge of the tub with my head in my hands I start to retrace my steps, of course it would be helpful if I even knew where I was. With the first clear thought of the day I decide that’s the best place to start from and go back into the bedroom.
She's still asleep, lay on her back and snoring. She's a good looking lass, someone has written "Monkey tits" on her in lipstick.
This makes me giggle and I forget what it was I came in the room for.
The phone starts ringing, I have to root around in the debris to find it but finally pick it up and mumble a hello.
The voice on the other end sounds a thousand miles away and in a theatrically loud whisper they say "Dr. Jay the police are here …"
Its going to be a long day.