The Over Analysing Department (499 Words)
A hush falls over the auditorium as an elderly gentlemen shuffles across to the rostrum at the centre of the stage. He reaches into his jacket, pulls out a pair of spectacles, balances them on his nose, clears his throat and starts to address the room.
"Gentlemen, I welcome you to this months T.O.A.D seminar, we have a busy day ahead of us so I'll press on.
First off we have apologies from Zara Pentonville who is putting the finishing touches to her dissertation, Pj and Duncan and Ant and Dec: Why do two men need four names?
I'm sure I'm not the only one looking forward to finally reading that.
Secondly we have some good news, Myfanwy Llewellyn has given birth to the triplets, she has decided to Name them Robert, Downey and Junior after her favourite actor in Air America.
Now I'll just run through the days schedule and then we'll be on our way.
At 10:00, after my opening proposal, Barbara McGill will be showing you the latest tinfoil hat fashion and tips on how to hide your shoes from the neighbours.
11:00 will see our esteemed guest Dr. Janet Hoffenburgersson who will lead a debate with the intriguing title What if its medicines that make you ill?
Then of course we have lunch followed by the lecture, Fingerprints: The Hands Traitor by Lisa Tarbuck and I do hope you have all remembered to bring your bandages and clean razor blades with you as instructed last month.
Right so that's what lies ahead for us all, now let us start!
You all know my specialist field is inhuman and mutant celebrities, so today's topic shouldn't be all that much of a shock.
Was Nina Simone really a Penguin?"
He stops speaking and waits for the inevitable, collective gasp, his favourite part of the job.
The gasp comes and goes and he waits for the hullabaloo of his bold declaration to die down again, he has his audience on the edge of their seats, just where he wants them.
He smiles to himself and starts speaking.
" Nina Simone, N I N A S I M O N E . You'll notice that her name cleverly doesn't contain either a P or a G the two main letters from the word Penguin, this double bluff cypher was my first clue.
Then I noticed her first name NINA or ANIN backwards, ANtartic IN. A clear confession that she lives IN the ANtartic.
Thirdly and most damning of all you have the lyrics to her biggest hit song.
BIRDS flying high you know how I FEEL.
FISH in the SEA you know how I FEEL.
And what is the only animal in existence that would know what it is like to be both a bird and a fish?"
He leaves the question hanging in the air as starts walking towards the wings, he pauses briefly, winks cheekily at the rapt audience and says ...