Wilhuff' Grand Idea (497 Words)
Tarkin spreads the crudely drawn picture out across the table and gestures for Palpatine to have a look.
"What is it Tarkin?" croaks the emperor.
"It's a battlestation my lord." comes the proud reply.
"It looks like a beach ball."
"Can a beach ball destroy a planet my lord?" Tarkin asks snottily.
"Depends on how hard you throw it I guess."
"Well this battlestation with its superlaser could ..."
"You would have to fill it with sand, put a bit of weight behind it, maybe even throw it from space ... wait what did you say?"
Tarkin smiles inwardly, thankful he finally has the old man's attention, he knows this is a bold plan but senses that if done well he could finally be promoted to Grand Moff.
"Call me old man again Wilhuff and I shall be forced to let Mr. Vader choke you, its his new trick, he's gone through four maids this week already."
"Sorry my Lord." grovels a blushing Tarkin.
"Carry on." Sighs the emperor, waving a withered, claw like, hand in a bored fashion.
"This battle station my lord, once fully operational would be capable of destroying a planet with its superlaser, that would fire out of this cute little dent just here."
To further bring home his point Tarkin makes "Pew Pew Pew " noises.
"That would need to be one hell of a laser Tarkin, just how big would this monstrosity need to be?"
"160km in diameter" Mumbles Tarkin.
"WHAT?" shrieks Palpatine.
"160km my lord."
"Have you seen the price of steel these days? this is almost as stupid as the idea you had last month for the super-duper-star-destroyer. Big doesn't always mean better ... look at Yoda, he is like a midget ninja .... ninja midget?"
"It would house troops and ships and ... stuff as well my lord."
"So its an intergalactic oil rig without the drills? They can't watch films on there you know, is against the law. And what about food .. and what would you do about all the rubbish?"
"I have already thought of that!" Beams Tarkin. "I have found this creature, the Dianoga, that would live in the garbage compacter and eat ... stuff"
"Where would it go while the rubbish was being compacted?"
"Umm it would swim .. somewhere?
"Why on earth would you have water in the garbage compacter?"
"So the Dianoga could swim my lord!" Tarkin triumphantly declares.
"Jesus wept" Mumbled the emperor. " And what's this line running across the middle of your beach ball?"
"That's a small trench , that I think would be too small for a ship to fly down but I have lined with guns anyway. Have I mentioned how many guns this would have?"
"How many guns would it have?" Sighed Palpatine who could feel one of his migraines coming on.
"Tarkin if I let you go and build this will you promise to leave me alone?"
"Oh yes my lord!
"Good, now get out of my sight before I change my mind."