Tuesday

Cuntryfile (490 words)


Chinos tucked into his Wellington boots and hands buried in the pockets of his wax jacket, John looked the part of the countryside aficionado he has played for as long as anyone can remember.

Today's shoot should have been a straight forward one, all he has to do was walk towards the camera  while delivering a spiel about the ever falling price of Lambs against the spiralling cost of raising them.

On the first take, he was half way through when he stumbles and let loose a torrent of abuse that made the girl holding the boom blush, this has been his approach to outtakes ever since Dennis Norden took much glee from showing the nation how he once said flutterbies instead of butterflies on Newsround.

Take two was going well until the farmer whose land they were using tore past on a quad and drowned out a vital part of the piece. Take three ended abruptly when it started to rain. John doesn't work in the rain, not since he caught that cold at Borth in 1994. They stopped for lunch and waited for the weather to break.

A few hours later and take four was underway only for the quad bike riding farmer to come tearing the other way, Johns patience now well worn thin, he shook his fist at the back of the farmers head and said something unpleasent about his mother. Take five was interrupted by a curious cow in the next field poking his head over the hedge and mooing loudly.

Take six was abandoned when there wasn't a single sheep in shot.

For take seven, someone had the bright idea of having John scatter feed  as he walked ensuring plenty of sheep action. This worked very well, if anything a little too well as the bleating was all you could hear...

Take eight saw a trail of feed for John to follow, parting a sea of sheep like Moses. This was going brilliantly and the crew were starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel and then it happened.

One sheep didn't want to move, they are stupid beasts sheep and this one was spectacularly dumb even by its own species levels. John being the professional he is tried to nudge it out of the way with his knee without missing a beat of his script.

The sheep still didn't move.

John stopped speaking and stared at his nemesis, some people say the sheep stared back.

In a steady voice that hardly covered his rage he addressed the sheep.

"Look at you, you fluffy white bastard, with your stupid eyes. Don't you know who I am? Don't you know what I am trying to do?
Of course you don't you don't know  …"

Some people will say the sheep interrupted him with a mocking drawn out "Baaaaa"

Others will say they had never seen a Man kick a sheep in the face before.

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