Thursday

Kevin Goes On Holiday (458 Words)

Before he even opens his eyes he knows it's bad, really bad. He can smell burnt flesh and can feel the snow like fluttering of still hot ash falling on his face. He opens his eyes and rubs the grime out of them so he can focus on where he is and what he has done this time. It's worse than he thought, worse than he dared to dream of.

He is sitting, stark bollock naked in a scorched crater easily ten foot across and a good five feet deep. Peering down at him are some startled looking villagers, some of who are still smouldering.

He offers them his warmest smile and says, loudly and slowly, in the great tradition of an Englishman abroad. "Where am I?"

The villagers look dumbly and mumble in the mother tongue to each other, trying to decide who is the most important and qualified person to speak to their new arrival. They eventually decide on Janick the baker who is rumoured to have seen Coming to America  while in prison.

The nervous baker is pushed to the edge of the still smoking hole, he looks down at the naked teenager and asks "zašto si pasti s neba? "

Someone thumps him in the back and snarls "na engleskom idiota"
Janick nervously mimes out what happened, in the fashion of a bewildered tourist looking for the airport. Kevin has already guessed what happened but the mime was a nice conformation and decides mime is the way forward.

He wraps his arms around himself and shivers dramatically while making a loud "BRRRR" noise. Technically the noise would have him disqualified on give us a clue but the villagers get the drift and someone is sent off to find clothes.

Boris the tailor, a man with an unusual sense of humour, comes back with some lederhosen and hands them down to the naked youth.

Now dressed like he is ready for Oktoberfest, Kevin decides to further display his charades skills and asks for a telephone in the style of a  talent show contestant desperately asking for more votes.

After an errant guess that he wanted to watch Et one is obtained and passed down.

In a ritual he has done countless times before, he dials home and waits patiently for someone to answer. While he is waiting he pantomime rolls his eyes and makes exaggerated huffing noises to let the crowd know he is still waiting for an answer.

Finally someone picks up and he has a cheery conversation  "Hi dad, yeah its Kevin, yeah its happened again ..... Not sure but I'm dressed like Spongebob,  I'll be home soon.."

Kevin, cuts the call off, climbs out of his hole and starts the long walk home.

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