Thursday

Review This Item. (482 Words)


As far back as I can remember I always wanted to be a critic, to me being a critic is better than being king, better than being emperor, people's fate lie in your hands. Your words, your opinions they decide if people succeed or fail.

People think it's easy being a critic that all you have to do is highlight the negative, pick apart peoples art, take someone's dreams and shatter them. To do the job properly you have to be far more creative than that. The trick is to build them up, sing their praises, nourish their hopes, dreams and expectations then beat them down with all the hatred you can muster.

Another tip is to take long words and use them out of context, last week I said the Quail and Possum soup at Chez Gazunder had a subtle cavalcade of flavours but lacked the cacophonous ingenuity of the Jellyfish and Snake nipple Gazpacho at Honeydew of Beale street. All sounds very clever, means nothing.

Backhanded compliments are also another useful tool. "Like an ice-cream scoop the chef at The Boss-eyed Lion is perfectly functional."

If you don't understand something it isn't your fault, they are trying to be overly convoluted, you are never in the wrong, and you are in charge now. The critic is always right. 

And that's how we find me here reviewing the hand painted Pat Butcher dinner set I bought off Amazon last week...

It was with much trepidation and a nervous hand that I ordered this supposed twenty four piece set, the item was showing in stock yet took a disgusting 3 days to arrive and then I had to go to the local post office and collect it myself forcing another days delay.
Firstly the quality of the china is second to none, you could tell me it was plastic and I would honestly believe you.

The unnamed artist has all of the skill of a maimed penguin; I'm not convinced they have even seen an episode of Eastenders let alone witnessed the natural beauty of Pam St. Clement, I assume they were aiming for a playful caricature of as the facial features are all out of scale and her pencil thin neck would never be able to support the bulbous head they have adorned her with.

They dare to allege that this work of art is dishwasher safe, I washed my soiled plates on a hot setting as spinach is notoriously difficult to remove, when I tried to take the platter out of the washer it was still hot and I dropped it smashing my beloved into fourteen pieces, her visage reduced to a Picaso-esque mockery.

Now one piece missing my dinner set is incomplete and the vendor is refusing to refund.

If I could award negative stars I would alas it is a one from me DO NOT USE THESE CHARLATANS!

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