Tuesday

Make a Wish (463 words)



Hi I'm Carl, I'm fifteen and I have terminal cancer, sucks to be me Holmes.  Doctors say I have anywhere between six weeks and three months left on this earth. You might have seen my plight on the internet as thousands of well-meaning strangers try and help me achieve my bucket list before I peg out.

Now first off I didn't write the list that is doing the rounds, why would I want to be a trending topic? It's cool I was n'all but a life's ambition? I think not.

Those make a wish jerks won't even speak to me anymore after I submitted my list of things I actually want to do before I die. Apparently punching the killer whale at Sea World is beyond their remit. As is a three-way with Megan Fox and Angelina Jolie, entering the Indy 500, Skydiving without a parachute, base jumping off mount Rushmore, going to Pakistan for Jihad training and a whole host of other cool stuff.

They were all "Can't we just send you to Disney land?"

And I was all "Will Minnie Mouse blow me?  No? Well get Christina Aguilera on the phone me and my German Shepard want to see just how dirty she really is."

See, people have this idea that people like me are precious little angels all sweet and innocent, I know I'm an asshole and why the hell shouldn't I be? I'm dying for fucks sake. 

I'll tell you something else as well; I'll happily go swimming with Dolphins as long as I can put my dick in their blowholes. The only wrestler I want to meet is Hulk Hogan and then I want to kick him in his old steroid shrivelled balls. I wrote to the President, gave him the sob story of how it's a shame for me and asked if I could someone the lethal injection or maybe flick the switch on the electric chair, mother fucker didn't even reply, it's a good job I'll never be old enough to vote. 

There is nothing you can do to make my life better that doesn't involve making someone else's a whole lot worse.


They had a fundraiser at school, loads of folks all shaved their heads, I think they thought I would find solidarity in it or some shit, anyway they raised thousands of dollars and I spent it all on coke and whores, had the best weekend ever. Funnily enough they never covered that bit of the story in the local news. People don't want hear about what really happens they want happy endings and warm feelings. Well I've got news for you folks, life sucks balls,  people are arseholes and  you are all going to die.

Catch you on the flip side bitches.

Carl.

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