Monday

The Butcher Of Suburbia (479 Words)



With his last breath he said her name and regretted all he done with his life. Death came quickly and the judgement was no more than he expected, no more than he deserved. The few survivors and the families of his victims could now rest easy. Their pain was over, justice, true justice had been served. Victor Branson, the butcher of suburbia, was burning in hell.


Only that isn't exactly true. Victor did indeed die alone, afraid and full of remorse in his cell. He was also delivered to the gates of hell by Death himself. Who had looked forward to the day of reckoning for an awfully long time, he had even sharpened the scythe specially.

One of the bigger flaws of logic in the bible is the assumption that hellbound souls are punished for their crimes. While the Devil is an imposing figure and puts on a good show when Death comes knocking. What happens behind closed doors is an entirely different matter.

So as Butcher Branson is led into the fiery depths of hell, the Devil introduces himself. "Hey I'm Lucifer, "he says offering a clawed hand.  "But you can call me Lou, everyone calls me Lou. We run a very loose ship here. Before we too carried away can I just say . . . Big, BIG, fan of your work. The way you skinned them was pure art."

Victor nervously shakes the Devils hand, wary of being tricked. "Aaah come on Vic, can I call you Vic? Don't be shy. You've made it! It's time to party down with the greatest people who have ever lived!"

Victor smiles even more nervously, he was never one for parties when he was alive, maybe this is his punishment? Enforced merriment for all of eternity? A cold shiver runs through his body at the thought. Lost in his nightmare day dream he doesn't hear the Devil shout "Think fast!" and misses the ice cold beer heading his way before it hits him in the face.

"Shit Vic! I'm sorry dude, I was just trying to lighten the mood a little."

"Dit's dine." Grumbles Victor through a broken nose. "Die don't drink danyway."

"You don't drink?"

"Do dits de Devils dork"

"Damn right it is!" Huffs the Devil proudly, "Now come on, let's fix that snout of yours."

Lucifer reaches out and cracks Victors nose back into place. "There you go good as new"

Victor offers the Devil a smile. "So what happens to me now? What circle am I destined for?"

"Pfft forget that, you're a guest of honour here Vic! The underworld is your oyster, anything you want you get."

"I want to be punished, I need to be punished."

The Devil sighs dejectedly, "Fine, follow me. You can keep Mr Fish entertained until you change your mind. Eternity is a jolly long time you know"

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