Pulling on another pair of gloves, I smile at Mrs Kolinsky. "If you could just slide your knickers off, I'll take a quick look."
Lying on her back with her legs at ten to two, she glares down at me and says the words that will stay with me for the rest of my life. "I already have doctor."
"Mother of god!" I murmur to myself not believing my eyes. Instinctively I reach behind me for another pair of gloves before starting the examination. Not wanting to get too carried away I pat at her monstrous thatch gently with an open palm. There isn't much resistance and as soon as I reach flesh I pull away, leaving a hand print behind that slowly disappears. "It's like memory foam!" I blurt out.
"Is everything ok?" Kolinsky asks with a slight air of concern creeping into her voice.
"It's amazing!" I tell her. I mean it as well; I've never seen anything like this before.
"Just I was a bit worried, you know . . . about the smell."
It does smell like a wet dog down here but I don't care, this is too good an opportunity to pass by. Rummaging around in the pockets of my lab coat I find a biro. I slowly wind it round and round and round until it's taut. Letting go sends the makeshift propeller spinning at an impressive rate of knots but I'm a little disappointed she doesn't actually take off.
Curious to know what it feels like, but not brave enough to take the gloves off I nestle my cheek in. It reminds me of sleeping in the hayloft when I was a kid. Soft, warm, and more than a bit fousty. I'm just nodding off when the old bitch sits up and asks what the hell I'm doing.
Thinking on my feet I say "I was just listening." And start pulling my stethoscope from around my neck.
For good measure I scowl at her as if she is to blame and not all the Valerian I necked before she came in. She apologises and makes herself comfortable on the bed again. According to her legs its now quarter to three and I'm running late. So I prod about with the stethoscope.
"Most odd" I exclaim, more to myself then to her. "Tell me Mrs Kolinsky do you have any pets?"
"I used to have a hamster but he escaped and we haven't seen him since."
"Do you sleep naked?"
This makes her blush so I take it as yes.
I go over to my desk and pull my sandwiches out of the drawers. Cheese and tomato, my favourite. Plucking out a chunk of cheese I go back to Mrs Kolinsky and place the cheese on her stomach, there is a rustling in the undergrowth and out scurries and malnourished looking rodent.
Kolinsky faints, so I try to see what I'd look like with a beard.
It's going to be a long day.